The wingspan of a giant...

Cockroach...not just a big one, or a huge one, but yes the giant type. The type that, when it prances around my kitchen floor making it's way into the dinning room, causes the Oregon pine floors to vibrate while my eardrums transmit scratches. The dark knots that are characteristic to Oregon pine are hard to distinguish from the sudden plague of cockroaches. 

A generous spray of cockroach poison and the giant threatens to spread it's wings. I feel my heart beat pick up and decide that spraying some more poison may bring this awkward confrontation to a place that the giant and I can both feel comfortable. The giant turns away from me. 

After calculating how important having ice-cream with crushed kit-kat is, I surrender and retreat from the kitchen. I assume the position of a brave warrior...with the duvet over my head. 

Being true...

I'm staring at some work I should be doing, as a lecturer and academic, this time of the year smacks one with many tight deadlines. Realising I'm not productive is a good start to discovering the root of my staring. 

The sound of the rain hitting the chromadek carport is comforting, yet not enough to break my stare. I have recently had to brutally admit to myself that there's something missing from my world. Trying so many times to run from that which is missing because I am an independent mother of three and the world tells us that independence has many benefits. 

Over the last couple of years, I have enjoyed my independence. It has lead me to new insights about myself. I have discovered how much I enjoy cycling and in a few days time, I will be taking part in  an annual cycling event. However, cycling , my career, my masters degree, my car, my house and the many things I have - become meaningless without a partner to share them with. 

After a tiring day at work, running after three children and family pets...the stark realisation of not having someone there to hold me...cuddle me...squeeze me tight and share with me our respective burdens and successes of the day - leaves my days incomplete. Out of all the many insights I have had, the one that stands tall from the rest is that most of us humans require this type of connection and once we do have it...we should cherish it. Surviving a day in this fast-paced global world and arriving home to that one special person who gives us something no one else does and we give the same to him/her...is what matters at the end. It's that simple. 

The Non-Vow Express..

I'm thinking about the 2005 film "Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy". Arthur Dent is caught up in an adventure that basically is aimed at finding the meaning of life. Reflection and searching are synonymous with living. We should add a "reflection and searching" day to the week. We often embark on these self-reflective and self-discovery pilgrimages to obtain some kind of answer that will give us a guarantee.

Having been married for thirteen years and making the decision that I want out from the marriage has sent both my husband of thirteen years and myself on a journey. A journey that has allowed me, for the first time in my life, to experience a roller-coaster ride. Except this ride has not been fun or exciting and the candy-floss has been no where in sight when all I have wanted to do is hang out in a candy-floss cloud, hiding from each forthcoming minute that will in all certainty cause more stomach queasiness.

While on this roller-coaster ride, I have come to understand that to have an idea of someone does not ensure long lasting love and also having an idea of someone will in all likelihood be one of the reasons why a lack of trust and disappointment permeate the life-long promise that was made. An idea can be a spark that leads to something of value, but it will never be able to be the value. The value is - what is real. Seeing our intimate partner for who they really are and loving them for who they really are...is one step closer to having long lasting love.