The wingspan of a giant...

Cockroach...not just a big one, or a huge one, but yes the giant type. The type that, when it prances around my kitchen floor making it's way into the dinning room, causes the Oregon pine floors to vibrate while my eardrums transmit scratches. The dark knots that are characteristic to Oregon pine are hard to distinguish from the sudden plague of cockroaches. 

A generous spray of cockroach poison and the giant threatens to spread it's wings. I feel my heart beat pick up and decide that spraying some more poison may bring this awkward confrontation to a place that the giant and I can both feel comfortable. The giant turns away from me. 

After calculating how important having ice-cream with crushed kit-kat is, I surrender and retreat from the kitchen. I assume the position of a brave warrior...with the duvet over my head. 

Being true...

I'm staring at some work I should be doing, as a lecturer and academic, this time of the year smacks one with many tight deadlines. Realising I'm not productive is a good start to discovering the root of my staring. 

The sound of the rain hitting the chromadek carport is comforting, yet not enough to break my stare. I have recently had to brutally admit to myself that there's something missing from my world. Trying so many times to run from that which is missing because I am an independent mother of three and the world tells us that independence has many benefits. 

Over the last couple of years, I have enjoyed my independence. It has lead me to new insights about myself. I have discovered how much I enjoy cycling and in a few days time, I will be taking part in  an annual cycling event. However, cycling , my career, my masters degree, my car, my house and the many things I have - become meaningless without a partner to share them with. 

After a tiring day at work, running after three children and family pets...the stark realisation of not having someone there to hold me...cuddle me...squeeze me tight and share with me our respective burdens and successes of the day - leaves my days incomplete. Out of all the many insights I have had, the one that stands tall from the rest is that most of us humans require this type of connection and once we do have it...we should cherish it. Surviving a day in this fast-paced global world and arriving home to that one special person who gives us something no one else does and we give the same to him/her...is what matters at the end. It's that simple. 

The Non-Vow Express..

I'm thinking about the 2005 film "Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy". Arthur Dent is caught up in an adventure that basically is aimed at finding the meaning of life. Reflection and searching are synonymous with living. We should add a "reflection and searching" day to the week. We often embark on these self-reflective and self-discovery pilgrimages to obtain some kind of answer that will give us a guarantee.

Having been married for thirteen years and making the decision that I want out from the marriage has sent both my husband of thirteen years and myself on a journey. A journey that has allowed me, for the first time in my life, to experience a roller-coaster ride. Except this ride has not been fun or exciting and the candy-floss has been no where in sight when all I have wanted to do is hang out in a candy-floss cloud, hiding from each forthcoming minute that will in all certainty cause more stomach queasiness.

While on this roller-coaster ride, I have come to understand that to have an idea of someone does not ensure long lasting love and also having an idea of someone will in all likelihood be one of the reasons why a lack of trust and disappointment permeate the life-long promise that was made. An idea can be a spark that leads to something of value, but it will never be able to be the value. The value is - what is real. Seeing our intimate partner for who they really are and loving them for who they really are...is one step closer to having long lasting love.

On Being Left-Handed...

The 13th August marks the celebration of being a left-hander. In grade 11, my final Toastmasters speech was about being left-handed. In school when your dedicated efforts to neat work is misunderstood because your work looks like a pack of tadpoles that has had an all night binge on ink, you realise you are different from others.

Being a left-hander leads to many awkward moments that you wish you could conjure up an immediate teleportation ability. Evident clumsiness is one of the very reasons why I want to have this supernatural power. Being left-handed means that our brains are wired differently and performing the most simple of tasks is a challenge for a left-hander. 

For example, tripping, spilling and walking into objects are a daily occurrence for me. I spill drinks, I ride into poles and trip over my own feet. People stare and I try to reason with myself that people do enjoy clowns. 

On the positive side, many famous people are left-handed. The likes of Bill Gates, Oprah Winfrey, Leonardo da Vinci, Jimi Hendrix and Ned Flanders share this rare experience of living life from the left.

Drive Home Traffic

Starving Our Essence

I often browse through the vast range of pictures on Pinterest and many times save something I have come across. I also have a friend who sometimes sends me pictures. One of my weaknesses are these type of pictures and I probably indulge in them too much.

I came across this one: 

My point with all of this is...how honest are we, not only to the people we love, but ourselves as well. Sometimes we convince ourselves that something - that will become an issue later on and be the cause of hurt and pain - is a good thing. 

I'll draw on unconditional love as an example. We enter into intimate relationships and when things don't go as we planned or as we believed they should, we blame the other person for the issues that is the source of pain. However, from the start, was there mutual unconditional love? Did you both love each other despite knowing the other person's worst side? Or did you both only love part of the other person? Was there enough honesty to share your deepest secrets with each other and still want to be with each other? 

Maybe in an intimate relationship, when we don't have to starve part of who we really are or hide part of who we are from the other person, maybe then we have found that one person who we can grow old with.

Allergies

Thought...

@MargieOrford: “To love without knowing how to love wounds the person we love.” Thich Nhat Hanh

All You Need...

"You know, sometimes all you need is twenty seconds of insane courage. Just literally twenty seconds of just embarrassing bravery. And I promise you, something great will come of it"

Benjamin Mee, We Bought a Zoo.

Are we really free...

“There is no greater pillar of stability than a strong, free and educated woman, and there is no more inspiring role model than a man who respects and cherishes women and champions their leadership” Angelina Jolie. 

After reading this article, I ask once again...are we really free as human beings and if not why?

http://time.com/3919872/angelina-jolie-pitt-african-union/

A Left Day

Coming soon...13 August 2015 

When We Shouldn't Sacrifice Our Essence

Liz Gilbert: "Hadn't I wanted this? I had actively participated in every moment of the creation of this life. So why didn't I see myself in any of it? The only thing more impossible than staying... was leaving. I didn't want to hurt anybody, I wanted to slip quietly out the back door and not stop running until I reached Greenland" from Eat Pray Love the movie.

Sometimes we find ourselves doing something in life and then suddenly we wake up one day to the realisation that we don't want to be living like this. However, it isn't always that simply to follow what our heart tells us to do at any given moment. Other people are involved and depend on our participation. 

A moment such as this usually starts a journey of personal reflection and even self-discovery. The answers to some of the questions that we may begin to ask, are anything except straightforward. Yet, how much of our essence should we sacrifice to keep the people who expect our participation, happy? 

When White Roses Become Red...

"You're not the same as you were before," he said. You were much more... muchier... you've lost your muchness" Lewis Carroll, Alice's Adventures in Wonderland & Through the Looking-Glass.

No matter how many times I watch Tim Burton's version of Lewis Carroll's Alice in Wonderland, I still enjoy it. There is so much we can learn from this seemingly kids' tale.

Not too far into the film, Alice tells Lady Ascot that she could always paint the white roses - which turned out not to be the right colour - red. This is one incident that shows Alice to be a young lady who does not let life knock her down. Humanity needs to adopt this type of thinking, that is to believe in the impossible, even if a plan of action is required. We are living in a world that is at times largely occupied by negative behaviours, negative attitudes, doubt and greed.   

Most children see the world through Alice's eyes. The older we get...we seem to lose our "muchness". Maybe what we should be trying to attain is - finding our "muchness" and making this world a "muchier" place. 

Diary of a Fat Woman

I have always wanted to write a novel titled Diary of a Fat Woman. I probably will. Since I can remember I have been chubby, plump, fat, big boned, round or whatever you want to call it. Of course I go through seven fat years and then followed by seven slightly less fat years.

This morning I chatted to my sister and we were having a good laugh about me eating a nut dark chocolate rocher at an hour of the nigh that most people are sleeping and the only activity is cockroaches scurrying around before households awake. Luckily for me, cockroaches are inactive during the winter months. On second thoughts - unluckily for me. Probably if cockroaches were active I would have not made it to the drawer where the chocolates are kept. 

Instead I would have hurried to my bed, jumped under my duvet, covered my head and closed my eyes. Ultimately it all comes down to one thing - scurrying cockroaches may just be our answer to that miracle diet we have been in search of.

A Slice of Magic...

Over the years I have come to realise that us humans all have some sort of battle we have to face. Sometimes being a parent is not all butterflies and roses. Our children don't always respond to our advice the way we would like them too. 

For example, I have two very active boys and after a long, busy day at work, fighting traffic to catch the end of a rugby or netball match and then getting home to cook dinner for a famished family - the last things I feel like having too much of is high-pitched shrills and kids throwing tantrums because bikes aren't allowed on the wooden floors and it's dark outside. 

I could just cut a large slice of chocolate ganache cake and hope the delight I am feeling from eating the cake will veil away the hypoventilation I feel as a result of being in the middle of a frightening kids stampede. Instead I reach for magnesium  oil. Magnesium oil has made me believe that magic does exist. A bit in the evening bath or rubbing some oil onto little tummies can make for a more tranquil environment. 

A Small Hollow Place...

Last night I was invited to a prescreening of Love Likes Coincidences which is one of the films showing at the 3rd Turkish Film Festival currently at Cinema Nouvea Gateway.

The term "niche market" was briefly mentioned during one conversation. One definition of "niche" in the Oxford Advanced Learner's Dictionary is: a small hollow place... Thinking of a niche market as a small hollow can be illuminating. It is after all a few number of people that fall into a "niche" market compared to the mainstream market. People who make up a niche market are most likely those that are thought to be uncultured by people who unquestioningly buy into and accept mainstream markets.  

The "niche-ans" are those that feel hollow, hollow from mainstream commodities. Instead they fill their space with materials that have aesthetic value. 

The film had many thought provoking moments and I will end with one of them. The father of the male protagonist said that what is most important in life is how you fill your space within your boundaries. 

Thief of Time...

Yesterday I received Michael Ondaatje's Coming through Slaughter. Although some days are jammed and reading is the activity that by default moves further down the "to do" list, I steal time to read. I do this by packing a book into my handbag. Yes, this is going in my handbag today and I am going to become a thief of time!

First Thoughts

A lot has been going on lately, probably for you as well. Humans, passion, reading and writing are those oddities that force me to keep searching. Searching for the "real." Maybe this is all to unclear to understand so let us just agree to understand it this way...I registered this blog a good few month back and left it dormant. In the midst of searching something peculiar crept into my life. But exited probably faster than entering. I am still dealing with the ramifications and one of the ramifications is, acceptance. Something I "really" felt so passionately about was for someone else meaningless and empty like used milk cartons ready for disposal.

These daily pains is what makes me write and my intention is for this blog to capture those daily pains and even daily happiness. This blog is about thoughts, chats, tenacity, guts, culture, feminism and loads more that should in all honesty make the news headlines, but in fact no one is even around for you to share it with or maybe someone is around and you just want to share it with as many people as possible.

Happy write talking!